Days 1 to 3
I am beginning a new course of antidepressant medication after some years off. This time I’m going to document the effects, good and bad, as they occur.
Going on antidepressants for the first time is like venturing to a new planet, but I’ve been here before. My first course of treatment began around 2006. The warning labels did not prepare me for some of the side effects and I stopped it at my own account, without consulting my doctor. That turned out to be a profoundly, irrevocably idiotic idea. I restarted a year later, and maintained my regimen until 2014.
I hope this journal benefits those who themselves or whose loved ones are beginning treatment. Use me as your benchmark.
The medication here is citalopram, a SSRI class antidepressant prescribed for depressive disorders and panic disorders. Different people have different reactions. You may not experience all my side effects, nor I yours. Experience of remission is also very subjective. If you have ANY doubt, speak to your doctor – and whatever you do, DO NOT ALTER the dosage on your own.
And so it begins.
Cycle 1, 4 weeks – 10mg daily tablets
Day 1
Took it at 7am.
Physical: side effect became noticeable around 13 hours later: nausea, agitation, a general feeling of unease. With antidepressants you always feel the side effects first. The shits come before the flowers…
Mood: Slight loss of emotional regulation at 10pm, some anxiety, but alcohol and a certain conflicted feeling in the moment might contributed to it. But then I vaguely remember having a breakdown the last time… so maybe it is medication related after all? Also, kids, you’re not supposed to drink alcohol with medication – remember that. This is me being stupid again.
I’m going sober tomorrow.
Overall State: Mild annoyance
Day 2
Took it at 7.10am
Physical: Oh man, I remember this… waking up to nausea and agitation. The uneasiness has grown into a tremoring heart. I am being literal here – it feels like my innards were vibrating. Tried to masturbate and took a whole hour to finish… Yep, this one’s familiar. I thought it one of the ‘better’ side effects the first time, until my libido went away entirely (and didn’t come back for four years).
The fatigue and drowsiness set in at noon and took me on a three-hour nap. I think I dreamed, but can’t remember. I felt so exhausted that I cancelled afternoon plans and binged on Westworld. Slept a 9pm.
I’m going sober, which brings us to another problem… how the fuck do you sleep or socialize without alcohol?
Mood: Tired.
Overall State: Total fucking shit storm
Day 3
Took it at 7.02am
Physical: shake-y wake-y~ that shivering sensation is still there. It is the anxiety the fall, the anticipation before a punch, except the ground is forever out of reach and the fist never hits you, so you’re stuck in that jittery state of fear, unease and alertness.
Nausea comes in waves but it is not as bad as the first night after dinner. My appetite is reduced Ordered food from my favorite takeout, but the nausea is making it hard to swallow.
Throughout the day I felt besieged. Oh if only I can quell the stuttering heart.
I don’t remember it being this bad before…
Still no alcohol.
Mood: Woke up at 5AM to an avalanche of emotions. They went away at about 10am and returned 2PM, like being crushed by the full breadth of the emotional spectrum. I was seated next to someone for whom I have a special fondness, but somehow felt nothing but resentment and disgust towards them and the people in the room and everyone on the planet. I am nitroglycerin in a meatsack.
Erratic mood – this was the more lamentable side effect ten years ago. I remember losing my temper at a someone wonderful, obliterating our relationship and cementing my reputation as the resident asshole. The point being: if you find yourself unseasonably irritable, warn the people you love or hide from them. If your newly medicated friend is being too much of an dickhole, cut him some slack.
Overall State: trying not to spew the total shit storm into your face.
#00117F 