It begins with the world closing in and the floors and the desks and the walls and the crowd and the trees and grass and the skies bending, bending towards you with vehement intent and the space around you spinning, spinning into a whirlpool of red, yellow, orange and green then bright, bright light scorching your nostrils and the cacophony of screeching knawing, knawing at your brain.
And your heart, beating, beating like a jackhammer and you feel the air in your lungs being pulverized into atoms and no matter how you gulped you cannot breathe. And you feel you eyes shiver and back of your throat convulse yet you still have the presence of mind to tell yourself, “no no no no no fuck no don’t cry.”
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Oh, panic attacks… how I have not missed you. My last panic attack was… maybe 8 years ago? I was 22 at the time and at my very worst. But you could never tell, because I am the walking epitome of high-functioning. I am the Batman of coping mechanisms.
So this is how I was able to deal with my panic attack in 15 minutes, brought it under control and still went to work, where I didn’t really kick ass but at least I made it through.
Step 1: develop a breathing routine – it’s a simple as breathe-in, 1,2, breathe-out, 1,2… loop. As soon as you feel the world crashing down, activate your breathing routine to return to your body.
Step 2: remove yourself from the environment. If you’re like me, it might be distressing people or sensory over-stimuli. Get out. Pretending you’re about to vomit or have diarrhea and dashing to the bathroom ALWAYS work.
Step 3: call someone and have them talk to you. This part is difficult – because you may not have friends, or may wish to hide this part of yourself from them. Ideally, you could call your therapist. Fortunately, most of the developed world has some kind of helpline service now. In my city I volunteer for one, and I called them today. Call someone, talk to them, concentrate on their voice.
Step 4: describe what you’re feeling, word for word. Describe the sky as it free falls toward you. Describe the light as if explodes into a supernova. Describe the sensation as the sounds of life drills into your brain. Describe the constriction in your grip as if a hand has punched into your throat and gripped tight. Describe them, and the sensations will no longer hold sway.
So there you go. 8 years of no practice, still worked like a charm.
Though in all honesty, 8 years ago I had imagined that at this stage in my life I’d have actual people to call during an episode… like, friends, or whatever those things are called. Instead, I endured the day when home and cried into a sock that will provisionally serve as a shame puppet.
Oh well, I guess I was wrong.
#00117F 