Humans tend to systematically underestimate our propensity for change.
Category: Ramblings
Day 47
... and I remember the beats and coos of winged and vexed things.
Free Guy ruined the Matrix for me
Cypher was right.
On grad school, a mid-application rant
US$450 (not incl. travel to a different city) travel for the GRE examUS$600 for test prepUS$ 85 per applicationUS$285 for World Education Services to verify my degree from LSE, plus 30$ to send it out to each school And that’s just to apply to 3 schools in the US. Australia’s next. Touché, global education-industrial complex. … Continue reading On grad school, a mid-application rant
On having no opinions about things
This is the age of platformed idiots. The rest of us are deluded into thinking that loud idiots are representative of the acme of knowledge.
On farting and vanities,
When you sing, I grate bones.
On fear
I am afraid I still won't have gotten a plant when I die.
Flowers are not for lovers
Here, a handful of peonies for your vase.
Arguing with myself: a completely pointless and meandering reflection on religion
This is a far more permissive and palatable approach to the band spirituality occupies on the spectrum of reason. For some, faith is antidotal to the existential horrors of entropy and despair, from which there is no reprieve. It is the last preserve from an indifferent and immutable existence.
The Painter and the Thief
When a hardened man breaks, it is all the more shattering. Such is the agony of being seen, in a world accustomed to unseeing.
(Anti)hustle in the age of Covid-19
Americans aren't the only ones plighted by Workism. It has infected the world's psyche like kombuchas and k-pop.
On alcohol, mood boosters, and not writing
Remarkably, it was only when I started to study Experiences and Design that I realized the glaringly evident biological fact: mood can affect our perceptions and actions. If we're in a good mood, we tend to be more generous, forgiving, and perceive positively ambiguous situations. Hashtag epiphany. Yay. This is how mood disorders set off … Continue reading On alcohol, mood boosters, and not writing
Unreality
These are the times when the unreality sets in, and he would notice how incorrigibly separated he is from the comings and goings around, rising like helium above breath. These are the days that stretch long and rides home are odysseys through the "sterile promontory" of other lives. These are the times when even the … Continue reading Unreality
An Anatomy of Intimacy
There's a scene in the 2012 movie Francis Ha where Francis, the loveable epitome of a quarter-life crisis, delivers a monologue while sitting with a group of friends, a part of them, apart from them. “It's that thing when you're with someone, and you love them and they know it, and they love you and … Continue reading An Anatomy of Intimacy
Reminder to self: stay away from narcissists
An unfortunately high fraction of my personal relationships – platonic, romantic, collaborative, familial – have involved narcissists. I am the common denominator there, so most of the problem lies within me: I seek validation from a sense of being useful and being needed, at the cost of my own fulfillment, at the cost of my … Continue reading Reminder to self: stay away from narcissists
Of pants and mannequins
If you’re wondering how I’m getting on with my daily writing challenge, my dearies, this is what it looks like. Those chicken soup gems I poop out are few and far between. Usually they’re just a snarl of thoughts snarling from the page gnarling to be seen. So this is to document to you, that … Continue reading Of pants and mannequins
On realism
Many of us are stuck in unhappy jobs trading integrity for a pittance. Many of us are stuck in dead-end relationships that brought into our lives an unbecoming. Many of us have an unfortunate habit of attaching to visions of life as it should be, ourselves as we wish to be, and people as they … Continue reading On realism
In praise of letters
I have long fantasized a life of epistolary communion with those I love the most in this world. There is intimacy and vulnerability in the eager anticipation of sitting down on a Sunday morning by a window-side desk looking out into a day breaking, readying oneself to compose deep and unembellished thoughts, which one prepares … Continue reading In praise of letters
On the question of life (because I can’t afford to buy cool things)
How many models of the iPhone has there been? Variants included? 24? 25? We are Winston Smith drinking Soylent Green, waking up in a Black Mirror adaptation of the Truman Show, rampaging through the set and hitting the fourth wall. We are simulation #19456-fourteen, test subjects for the grad school dissertation of our alien overlord. … Continue reading On the question of life (because I can’t afford to buy cool things)
Misanthrope Rising, and a Friendship Manifesto
I have succumbed to the void. But only by a little bit, and for a little while. The successive departure of friends – and I only maintain a handful, deliberately so – has punched holes in me, each one of them an irredeemable, irreparable, inconsolable shape of a soul. However transient it had been, to … Continue reading Misanthrope Rising, and a Friendship Manifesto
Home
It was first known as 'the house', 'my parent's place', 'back there', a cage, my prison. Schoolmates used to ask if they could come by and play, when we walked past my door on their way home. Before I run out of excuses, they stopped asking; soon they stopped sharing that walk with me too, … Continue reading Home
Unravel – Perfectionism
While in search for an antidote to perfectionism, I stumbled on the notion of an elegantly disheveled life. I often professed to be a healthy perfectionist, which is a bit of an oxymoron. Anything taken to the absolute is heading into toxic territory. Perfectionism is no different. At best it is conscientiousness with a critical … Continue reading Unravel – Perfectionism
Unravel – loneliness and its antidote
“The loneliest moment in someone’s life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly.” ― F. Scott Fitzgerald I pretended I was not myself during the time of my mid twenties. The country was already stuffed with returnees and I wanted to be different. A … Continue reading Unravel – loneliness and its antidote
Unravel – Tinder and Romanticism
I've spent the bulk of my recovery messing around on Tinder. Ok I am very late to this game… perhaps I missed it’s prime entirely? Was it always so... boring? Is it odd that it’s actually killed my sex drive? Okay… I get that folks don’t go on Tinder to find love. It’s for hook-ups. … Continue reading Unravel – Tinder and Romanticism
Unravel – Perseverance
Managing ourselves is difficult. In the midst of a raging storm, clarity and acceptance can be frustratingly out of reach. Sometimes your body takes over and you become a passenger in your own mind. It is a frustrating fact of existence that we process things intellectually and processing them emotionally at different a difference pace, … Continue reading Unravel – Perseverance
Unravel – Prologue
A month after my 30th birthday, I found myself perilously employed at a job I resent, functionally broke, estranged from family, inconsolably lonely with an anguished heart, and hospitalized for two weeks from complications during retinal detachment surgery – which had no apparent cause in the first place other than to add to the cascading … Continue reading Unravel – Prologue
The Guinness Sigh
The sigh that follows a protracted, tantalizing gulp from a fresh, cold pint of Guinness is paradise. That luxurious satin nectar of bitter ecstasy filling around your tongue, your gut, your blood. It's the hard-earned sigh when propping up a stiff foot after a long hard Saturday, where the fifth cup of coffee … Continue reading The Guinness Sigh
On friendship, and parting
There should be a better word than sorrow for friends parting. Cherished friends, to whom you’ve subtly grown close, over a surprisingly few moments of connection: that one morning perched on the balcony of your regular restaurant sharing toast and poached eggs, the sting of the winds tempered by a spring sun; or the wintry … Continue reading On friendship, and parting
On flowers, and artificial grass in a pot
In one surreal moment, Ido was up at five a.m., head bursting with frenetic thoughts that demanded to be committed to word, only to delete the draft by accident with no idea as to what had poured out of him, and spent the day in that hazy, drugged up sentimental way, as if he'd lost … Continue reading On flowers, and artificial grass in a pot
P.N. Setepenre
Is today's sunlight same as yesterday's? Kind of brain-scraping when you think about it. There's nothing intrinsically different, in the sense that they're all made of the same 'stuff' - electromagnetic radiation from the sun. Which would make sunlight truly egalitarian - to kings and beggars, sunshine is sunshine. Life has been shitty lately. Supposedly … Continue reading P.N. Setepenre
On almost burning to death but not quite and now he’s not sure how to react to it all and to the shitstorm that is living.
Ido almost burned to death last night. It’d have been an embarrassing death. His trusty old electric heater got covered by a fallen towel and set itself on fire, while he napped a few steps away. Rest in pieces, iridescent old friend. Many a night of warmth and comfort you have brought to him. Fitting … Continue reading On almost burning to death but not quite and now he’s not sure how to react to it all and to the shitstorm that is living.
Because Ido is a fucking insane person and can’t sleep and there is pandemonium in his brain.
Mani and Clinny D are fighting and Ido is trapped in the middle for the nine hundredsth fucking time, twin planets grating in his head. D has the upper hand. Clinny fucking D. It turns out that D can’t die. She’s a magnificent un-k-i-l-l-able tardigrade. Mani had drowned her. Smothered her in asphalt. Quartered her. … Continue reading Because Ido is a fucking insane person and can’t sleep and there is pandemonium in his brain.
On the absurdity of scented candles
I went candle shopping with a friend today. Her indulgence in a highly inefficient means of distributing light and scent is part of a self-care routine, so who am I to judge? But the existence of the $50 scented candles is quite absurd – in a Camusian sense, that it sheds light on the unfathomable … Continue reading On the absurdity of scented candles
On Gratitude
I am at the tail end of a crisis made endurable by the fidelity of friendship. Let this be a memento that through hardest times there were those who offered the rarest gift, without supplication, and thus the anguish brought on by the utter rejection of some was redeemed by the unconditional validation of others. … Continue reading On Gratitude
What I’ve learned from being fired
... this was a mishap of youth. It isn't always about the job, or even doing what you think is the right thing, and your best intention doesn’t negate its impact.
On Bilingualism and Identity
But I reside in the discursive space between two cultures, and I feel more aimless than ambivalent.
On Growing Up
Growing is recognizing that you can’t run away from who you are. As a child, I imagined adulthood to feel cinematically stoic and demure. You grow up to become steadfast like an aircraft carrier, standing upright between heaven and earth with the world on your back. The things that terrified you as children shattered upon … Continue reading On Growing Up
A Pilgrimage, Part 2 – How to Wreck a Paradise
Missing the point.
A pilgrimage, part 1
I’m on a pilgrimage of sorts, a lonely trip into the mountains of Shangri-La, in search for clarity and catharsis. Clarity I have yet to find. Catharsis, I’m halfway there. I travel to wander. Pick a destination and head there. The destination is not the point, the journey is. You’ll wander into the middle of … Continue reading A pilgrimage, part 1
There fell thy shadow.
~ Citalopram Chronicles (Week 3 and 4). “Non sum qualis eram.” I had hoped this would be a celebration of the efficacy of medication, that the moral of the story would have been: seek help if thy brain is faulty, take thy medicine like a good boy, and all would be well. I had even … Continue reading There fell thy shadow.
On Art
My good friend K is a brilliant painter. In the company of her craft, I am awed and humbled by her skills and quite embarrassed by my boorish tastes. The thing about art is, you’re often expected if not assumed to know it already to partake in the conversation, which makes it awkward for one … Continue reading On Art
On memories and selfies
The earliest theatrics must have happened in our heads, because our memories are just neat little stories. Some of us battle monsters, some ascend from rags to riches, some embark on heroic quests, some are on a long voyage home. Some live delightful, romantic lives, some come to tragic ends. We all began somewhere and … Continue reading On memories and selfies
On Writing
I’m trying to become a better writer. Consider it a mid-year resolution, or more appropriately a quarter-year aspiration, since it’s neither mid-year nor was there any resolve involved. I’ve been thinking about developing a hobby, and writing is a close as it comes – a craft, a thing, a time sink into which I happily … Continue reading On Writing
Lovestruck continued…
I’ve been quite preoccupied with thoughts of love and intimacy recently. I blame Spring time. ‘Love’ might be overstating it. What’s the word? Affection? A tenderness? The stirring ardor of a wild heart? Dickinthebraintitis? Remember when you met that person for the first time? It might have been a chance encounter in the aisles of … Continue reading Lovestruck continued…
Lovestruck
Oh. That was his thought when he met her. She was pretty, for sure. Frazzled, curly bleached blond hair streaked with strawberry, greyish blue eyes that refused to hold his gaze. She wore a looping white T with black squares. A massive scarf coiled around her and made her look fragile. She had a meandering … Continue reading Lovestruck
Confessions of a Workaholic
My brain pulsates. I feel a needle churning behind my eyes. My breath is shallow. The lights spin a little, settle, I find my footing and head towards the door. I’ve lost count of how many cups of coffee I’ve had this evening, but my heart is still beating, so I’m going to get my … Continue reading Confessions of a Workaholic
On Faith, Part 3 of Many
X, I don’t know why I am writing this to you. Perhaps it was the way you casually brought up your faith, giving me a glimpse of your utter devotion to an idea. I found it to be strange and exhilarating, because it was an emotional expression of which I am incapable. Emotion is the … Continue reading On Faith, Part 3 of Many
Goodbye to Ghosts
In the days leading to a new year, some reflection is in order. I didn’t expect to last this long. Many things coincided in the past that brought me, at a very young age, to the realization that no matter what medications I took, what meditative practices I pursued, demons would haunt me forever, lest … Continue reading Goodbye to Ghosts
On truth, media, and why you should stop blaming or relying on Facebook for news
Oceans away, we the unenlightened masses of a repressive nation observe the US election drama with morbid curiosity and befuddlement. An egotistical, deceitful, pugnacious buffoon is crowned ‘leader’ of the ‘free world’, and somehow Facebook is to blame. Now that’s a universal problem: that which is popular is assumed and accepted to be true. Humans … Continue reading On truth, media, and why you should stop blaming or relying on Facebook for news
Farewell to J
J and I met on one soggy afternoon at a charity networking event. She was there to represent her organization, I a creeping wallflower looking for new causes to attach myself. We struck up a conversation, thus beginning roughly two years of friendship. It was one of those relationships made up of long stretches of … Continue reading Farewell to J
On Career Planning (and my lack thereof)
There exists a subset of humanity who stumble onto enlightenment in their early teens. Inspired by some revelatory event or figure in their life, they embark on the lifelong pursuit of some career objective with frightening clarify (for a child). You know – the folks who so earnestly exclaim that “I’ve always wanted to be … Continue reading On Career Planning (and my lack thereof)
On Usefulness
First day of my Coursera Philosophy course triggered an avalanche of questions. Why should I study philosophy? Does it serve any practical purpose? Is it ultimately a frivolous and self-indulgent goal insofar as I am able to pursue? There is a more utilitarian voice that demands I commit to more productive tasks, study subjects and … Continue reading On Usefulness
On the spectrum of life
Epicurean - Stoic Apollonian - Dionysian Gay - Straight Political Left - Right Blond - Dark Roast Introvert - Extrovert Good - Evil Ultraviolet - Infrared Death metal - Post rock Child to Adult Few things in life are black and white. It would be so much easier if we could plant our feet firmly … Continue reading On the spectrum of life
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